I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…
… and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P. S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
I type at 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that’s extra scary to me, because there’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He’s fuzzy. Get outta here.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I am older. Hey, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera…
My roommate says, “I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first…
… Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say “I’m gonna go shave too”
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got, this thing is useful… I’m gonna go pick something up”
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at…
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said “I hear music.” As though there’s any other way to take it in. You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work…
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips…
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly…
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying… … You’re supposed to yell ‘fore’ but I kept thinking there ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.
I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don’t like to take food from him if it is in threes. “He has three apples left… I guess I can’t have one”
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion! . Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really e
Asked by:Qaz O
